What do we lose, what do we gain.

True, you live in a city, but it's the kind that when you say city you have to put fake finger quotation marks around your head. Still, you find yourself taking a walk by the field, in those minutes before the sunset, before the sun even hints at the fiery color of dusk. Everything looks like it should be that painting with green grass and golden sunlight, the one with the old red ford parked halfway in a decaying barn, like the neighbors barn. Like paintings you see at the doctor's office. Then you think, it "ain't" so bad. While hiking around down at the lake, alone, your thinking about how you can make a difference while feeling so powerless and despondent. If you lived in the "big city" it could all be different, you could be a somebody. It all seems so pointless here, but still meaningful. The contradiction doesn't bother you, in fact you actually love the hypocrisy of it.

True, you live in a city, but it's the huge kind that makes you feel small and insignificant. You go to an underground concert, the band is fresh, it tastes like a grilled fish caught just minutes ago. You feel proud, like you discovered the band yourself, years before they were popular, and later you'll yawn as you say "yeah...I was listening to them years ago." Afterwards you are surrounded by interesting people at some chic coffee shop downtown, having a conversation about Nietzsche or how globalization is effecting some country that most people have never heard of. You walk home, alone. A street light goes out and you think maybe you have the power to make street lights go out, you can control street lights. A homeless man asks you for your change, he's filthy and puts a gentle hand on your shoulder, you slap it off you and don't give him anything. You get home and wash your hands and shoulder, where he touched you. You eat your leftover Chinese and fall asleep and dream you're a piece of grass, just swaying in the wind during those golden moments right before the sunset.