Dr. Kevlittle

You might recall me writing about my camouflage coffee mug not too long ago, and the squirrels mentioned there in. There is more to this story than meets the eye, as mentioned in the comments, but I was wary to tell it, but tell it I must. A lot of you might think this is another one of my sarcastic jokes, but I assure you it is not. This really happened.

You need to understand that many medium-sized squirrels populate my university’s campus. Somewhere around 3 years ago, walking home as usual, I happened to pass one of the fury rodents. This is by no means uncommon. On this particular day however, I did something that’d I’d never done before. I attempted to communicate with a squirrel. Trying my best to imitate their language I clicked my tongue in various ways and popped air out of my mouth all very rapidly while making quick, inquisitive, head movements. To my great surprise, the squirrel responded, it immediately perked up on its hind legs and stared at me with those beady black within black eyes. I was shocked to be sure, but I didn’t want to lose whatever connection we had, so I kept on clicking, doing my best to speak more Squirrelish. As I did so he kept coming a few feet closer, standing up on its hind legs, its little hands resting near its chest. Eventually the squirrel was literally inches from my feet. I got frightened of what he might do, and what he thought I was saying, and quickly ran off. Subsequently, I’ve communicated with numerous squirrels on campus, one yesterday in fact, though admittedly, I have no idea what I’m saying to them, and I’ve never found out what would happen if I keep speaking it when they are inches away from me.

I’ve also designed a concept for a squirrel helmet. A simple device with three shocking probes, one in the back and one on each side. The helmet is connected to a remote control, like one used for remote control cars, only without reverse. When you push forward on the remote it electrocutes the squirrel in the back of its head. You keep shocking it until he moves forward, at which point you stop (classic conditioning). You push the left and it shocks him on the right, and the right to shock him on the left. The idea is that he runs the direction away from where he was shocked. Remote control squirrel. Imagine hundreds upon hundreds of squirrels with helmets, all hooked up to one remote… it would be like commanding a tidal wave in the ocean to strike where you see fit. Oh bliss, oh beautiful remote control squirrel bliss!