To the moon Alice!

Apparently NASA is looking into what it would take to set up a lunar base on the moon. According to BBC News a bunch of people are getting ready to put up Coldwell Banker signs to let NASA know that they can't build on their property. Yeah right. Seriously though a claim of ownership has been made by US entrepreneur Dennis Hope, who in 1980 spotted a loophole in the 1967 United Nations Outer Space Treaty. So he sold the moon. Of course NASA guffaws at the idea that people can own property on the moon, and will just go ahead and do whatever it wants anyways. Tell that though to the 3.4 million property owners who own a plot on the moon, including Carrie Fisher, William Shatner, the Pope, George W Bush, and 30 NASA employees.

So here now for all to hear I declare that I own the entire moon. Every square inch of it is mine. Also I own the sun, even though it's not a planet, I still own it, and anyone who uses it's services will have to pay for them. Any single person using the light from my sun will owe me $5,000 dollars for every minute of usage.

Send check or money order to:

After making the last post I felt it would be best if I took off my address.

While we're at it I own Pluto too... and that new planet they found that no one cares about. That ones mine as well. Yes, my empire is shaping up rather nicely. Napoleon eat your heart out.

Look. The point is this. We can't own things like the moon, or Pluto, or the sun, or even Earth. The land we use is never really ours, yes we can use it, yes we can defend it from being taken, but one day someone is going to build a Walmart there, or maybe the Chinese will take it when they invade us next year, or the Zoglicks from the planet Xebo after they're done eating our brains.

Sigh... I don't want to sound like a degenerate commie, (eh maybe I do) but we need to stop thinking in the mine mine mine fashion all the time. I'm not even saying we should think in the ours ours ours fashion either, or that we shouldn't buy property, because we have to to survive in this society that we created for ourselves, but it's not that I own it, you own it, or we own it, it just that it is there, and that it is.

I'm done.

EL MIRAGE, Arizona (AP) - President Bush pledged extensive assistance for victims of Hurrican Katrina on monday. He's also expected to tap into nation's emergency petroleum stockpiles to "help" refineries affected by the storm.

Great. The good thing about this gas crisis is when it's all said and done, not a drop left, we'll feel like we struck texas gold when we find an oil stain in the dirt. That and every back yard will look like a Michael Bay movie while people are blowing up their cars because they can't use them anymore anyway. It really is too bad we can't use bodies to fuel our cars, because it seems like as the death toll and gas prices go up, our oil supply dwindles. It will be nice to have incentive to use alternative energy, and will be awesome that OPEC won't be slapping us with it's enormous cock anymore. It stings I say. Maybe God's own prodigy and Rev. Al Greene can just pray for more oil.

I got a better idea though, let's use science instead and create millions of Tyrannosaurus Rexes, then manipulate their DNA so they have the genetic disease that makes you age faster, like "Jack", or maybe we can just fly around Pterodactyls. That way it'll be like fossil fuel is a renewable resource like trees and meat. Chances are though, OPEC won't just die, they'll just change acronyms. DONE, Dinosaurs Our New Energy.

David Lynch's Secret Masterwork

Ugh... so apparently David Lynch, prior to making films, was an art director for a book of baby knitwear designs. Here are some shots from it. I'm not joking. I found this article about it online... and I've yet to post links from this website, but this is so awesome I don't see how I cannot.

I think the look on that baby's face on the right is actually creepier than Eraserhead and The Straight Story combined.

NBN - Mr. Lynch... can I call you David.

Lynch - Yeah, sure, call me Susie if you like.

NBN - Ok, Susie. I command you with all the power of 5 kool-aid pitchers. Do you know what I mean when I say that?

Susie - Well. That's a start. I think I see what you're saying. You want me to make a movie that is based around the artwork of this baby knitwear catalogue correct?

NBN - There was a farmer who had a dog?

Susie - Bingo.

Well I for one am excited for Lynch’s newest feature… the working title is “Those Who Like It”. Whatever that means. So for those interested here's the link.

http://weirdbabe.typepad.com/threadbared/2005/08/this_is_a_littl.html

YESSSS!!!!!

I did indeed spontaneously combust, apparently I survived. I have to say though, robots that breath fire are the way of the future. I've seen it while I slip into prescient dreams laying in the bathtub at night. Every corner we turn we will be facing giant baby-faced fire-breathing killer Japanese robots. Pause. Rejoice.

Ok so this is an awesome picture of a robot I found on we-make-money-not-art. Great resource. This robot is called Giant Torayan, and I think it's some sort of art project. None too sure, but really does it matter? No! It doesn't matter. This exists, and that will be enough. There were plans to make one that would be 66 feet tall, a very respectable aspiration, however plans were thwarted "because of some political reasons." Which is a shame. Anyway, now that I'm back in the swing of things (school...Moscow) I'll be trying to maintain articles of some regularity. I'm shooting for three or four a week. Man I'm hung over...

There is always hope.

It's time we considered something seriously. Let me just throw this out there, stir it around it a bit, chew on this food for thought if you will. What I'm about to say is shocking, make sure you aren't reading this while standing up or taking a shower with your monitor wrapped in cellophane, like I often do. Ok, ready? Spontaneous "human" combustion. Yes. It's real, and it could happen to any of us at any time. Every waking minute we are in grave danger of turning into a giant walking fireball. So for you people in the CIA, FBI, NSA, DOE, and DOD who are reading this, and I very well know you are, pay attention, and you too Rody Piper, I know you're still alive. There is a new form of international terrorism at loose, and this version wont end with bald eagles perching on top of flag poles. No, not quite, not at all. This version ends with human torches, but these ones wont be flying around beating up bad guys, these ones will be running through the un-mentionables isle of Walmart, and jumping out of windows of drive-thru fast food restaurants, screaming in ways we thought only rabbits could. There you are, at your favorite restaurant enjoying a nice fondue, when suddenly your 10 year old explodes into violent flames, runs out into the middle of the street and gets hit by a Chevy blazer going 90 mph, exploding and shooting body parts, melted packing peanuts, and car parts everywhere. I apologize for explaining these images so bluntly, but I need to create awareness, and if I butter it up for you and say that maybe Cher's hair will catch fire on Oprah, maybe a few harmless flaming chipmunks will dive off cliffs to end their misery, and that'll be the end of it, I would be lying to you. No, I mustn't censor you, you need to know the horrible horrible truth, and prepare for the utter worst.

That's why I'm off, on a mission to Phoenix, AZ, then to Las Vegas, to investigate the causes and effects of SHC (Spontaneous Human Combustion), that and to get very very drunk, and party for a week before school starts. I depart Saturday morning on the back of Falkor, my luck dragon, and will not return until the 19th. I might squeeze in an article on Friday, but if not this will be my last article until I return. That is if I don't succumb to the fate of those exploding around me. I give myself a 2.3% chance of survival... so I want you to know that I love you all very much. Pray for me to our dark lord Satan, and wish me luck.

I am, dear misses and sirs,
your's, truly,
Kevin V. Lewis

Get more pay nothing.

POST FALLS, Idaho (AP) - University of Idaho student, and Post Falls summer time resident, Kevin Lewis, was applauded by himself Monday, August 8th, as he single handedly "duped" the near buy Walmart retail store. We at Naked Brain News were fortunate enough to be granted an exclusive interview.

NBN - Could you please re-explain Monday nights events in your own words?

LEWIS - Sure. No problem. It all started last Thursday actually. Some friends and I were going to this White Stripes concert on Saturday, and we were going to be camping at the Gorge, but I didn't have a tent. I probably could of bought one... but I'm too cheap. I have friends that say I'm a scam artist, or a "wheeler and dealer," but really I just don't feel bad screwing over soulless corporations like Walmart. Anyway, so I went to Walmart and bought a tent, the biggest one they had. It fit 6-10 people, I mean, the thing was huge. It cost 70 bucks or something. Oh! I was curious if there general return policy applied to tents, since they'd get dirty if you used them, so I asked one of the guys that worked there and he said "Yeah, if you keep the receipt you have 90 days. So if you don't like it... or are done using it, just bring it back." Anyway, put it on my debit card and made sure to hold on to the receipt. Went camping two nights, packed it back up and came home. Then last night, Monday, I took the tent back in, handed it to the lady at the customer service counter. She said "Can I help you?"and I say "I want to return this." She asked me if there was anything wrong with it, and I told her there wasn't, and that I just didn't like it." She printed out a receipt and had me sign it, gave me my money back in cash, and I was in and out of there in 5 minutes flat.

NBN - Don't you feel even the slightest bit that you are stealing, or doing something immoral?

LEWIS - Not at all. What's immoral is how Walmart destroys local businesses, and treats their employees. Makes all of their products over seas using child labor. That's immoral. Plus, every time you take something back they have to send it somewhere to get repackaged or resold or whatever it is they do with it. That creates more jobs, helps the economy really. Trust me when I say I'm not the only one doing this.

NBN - Are there other ways you've "bested" Walmart, aside from just using products and taking them back?

LEWIS - Yeah, actually, Walmart has a policy where they will "Price Match Guarantee" any of their products. So if you find it cheaper somewhere else they will go ahead and sell it to you for however much the other guys are selling it for. But, you only need to bring in the ad if the product is more than $10 cheaper. So like my little brother wanted to buy the Star Wars original trilogy DVD's, they cost $47 or something. So I told the lady at the check out stand that I want a price match on these, it's $39.99 at Best Buy. What the fuck does she care if I'm lying or not, she isn't going to see another dime. In fact I think most of the employees there like dicking over Walmart whenever an opportunity is presented. So she punched it in for $39.99, saved like 8 bucks. You'd have to be stupid not to do it really. Your paying less, your helping the economy, and your hurting an evil corporation. Comparatively Robin Hood looks like a weenie.

NBN - You really do live in your own world of self righteousness and sick delusions of grandeur don't you?

LEWIS - Somebody's got to do it.

The White Stripes/Sleater-Kinney

Brownstein (left), Tucker (center), and Weiss (right) are Sleater-Kinney.

Apparently Sleater-Kinney have been around since 1995, though I had no idea. I'd listened to their newest album The Woods once, and it didn't really grab me, but this "chick" rock band looked fresh and young, hardly in there mid-20's as they casually walked onto the stage, the sun thankfully setting in the background. They are the opening act for the White Stripes new tour I caught this past Saturday at the Gorge Amphitheater in George, Washington. Everything had gone pretty smoothly that weekend as we presented our tickets and stepped through the venue's gates, everything save for eating a hornet stowing away onboard a piece of a granola bar I was eating that stung my tongue twice, and getting a speeding ticket for going 61 in a 50 which I intend to fight and win.

The first act was The Green Horns... zzz... oh where was I? I seemed to have dozed off there. Maybe I just haven't heard them in the right setting or mood, but at the time I was thinking they were boring and pretty mediocre. Sleater-Kinney played directly before the Stripes. I don't think many people there had heard of them before, but regardless they quickly took control over the 3000 something crowd. They really play a great live show, and they have a stage presence that you can't take your eyes off. Carrie Brownstein, lead guitarist and one of the bands two lead singers, rocked some major ass, and exuded a confidence on the stage that can't help but to make you smile as she kicks wildly in the air. Corin Tucker seems the most low-key of the three, and is backup guitar and vocals, she looks a bit like your typical country girl and sings rather nicely actually. Janet Weiss (this can't be her real name... damn it Janet) plays the drums pretty hard shaking her bob of black hair from left to right. Everyone was kept interested throughout their entire set by the music and the performance alone, but during the last song (which lasted 15 min.) two people dressed in animal costumes, one a chicken, one a donkey, came out and started dancing oddly in the background. It was a nice touch.

They left ample space in between Sleater-Kinney and The White Stripes to go buy overpriced nachos, use the restroom, and get really excited, and it was pitch black out by the time they came on stage. The Gorge Amphitheater is really great, and if you look out from the audience you see the sheer canyon walls that lead down to the Colombia River, and when you look up at ten o' the clock in the evening you can see the stars very clearly... the real stars would, obviously, be on the stage, however. Meg walked on the stage and honestly looked a little bit nervous and sat down on her drums, but Jack White stalked on to the stage with an animal ferocity, picked up his guitar and played a loud chord. Meg answered back by smashing a snare drum, and Jack again with another chord kinda like they were arguing, getting a hard little rhythm going as they began their set with Dead Leaves on the Dirty Ground. Meg is alright, and she's kinda cute as she plays the drums kinda like a ten year old would, sitting really close to the drums and playing more with her shoulders then with her forearms. Jack though is so talented that you feel inadequate just watching him. There were microphones set all over the stage so he could walk around to one by the drums, one by the piano, the xylophone, etc. Highlights of the show were Hotel Yorba, The Union Forever, and Little Ghost. Although the entire set was awesome, and even when they played last years hit single, Seven Nation Army, it didn't seem overdone.

Their show was rad. That being said however, it probably could of been better. I felt a little bit like someone who just payed for a really good hooker, as the Stripes came in and did their job wonderfully, but only played for an hour and a half and ended the show in such an abrupt way that it was clear there would be no encore. I would of liked to hear Jack and Meg talk a little bit more to the audience, and relate to us on a personal level. There music seems so honest sometimes that it's weird seeing them as rock stars, detached from us with red and white rock star lighting, and matching outfits. When the music can seem so personal, it would of been nice to see them wearing normal clothes, chitchatting between themselves and the audience, and stepping out of the rock star clichés as much as their music does. Don't mistake this critique for disappointment, as it was certainly not disappointing. Just like most things, aside from myself obviously, nothing is perfect.

Hazard! There are dukes about.

BF NOWHERE, Texas (AP) - Willie Nelson has a new movie out. "The Dukes of Hazard," starring (and I use this term loosely) Johnny Knoxville, Sean-William Scott, and a walking pair of legs with boobs whose name slips my mind. However, the country musician turned actor who plays the film's "uncle Jesse" reported Friday he was never aware he was actually in it. "I've been so high for the last..." said Nelson as he started absentmindedly to count his own fingers, "75 years," he looked confused but continued "yeah, 75 years...I think. Anyway, I've been high for a long long long long... where was I again? Oh right. I'm so high right now," and he smiled from ear to ear and giggled a bit. Nelson neglected to realize that he claimed to have been smoking Marijuana for longer than he has actually been alive, the actor is 72. "I'm making a Reggae album," he said and pointed to his Bob Marley t-shirt. When asked about "Dukes of Hazard" and working with Jay Chandrasekhar, the film's director, Willie replied "I was in a movie? I had no idea... I've just been so high for so long...would you like to hear a song." Nelson began to play a Reggae song titled "I Guess I've Come To Live Here" from his new album "Countryman" but halfway through he stopped and fixated intently on a poster of Crispin Glover pinned in the corner of the room. "The devil walks among us," said Nelson nervously. He dropped his guitar and left the interview without a goodbye or a look back. Rumor has it though, that following the success of his recent Reggae album, Nelson plans to cross yet another genre line by collaborating with Snoop Dog on a project titled "Fuck Man, We're Both Stoned Out of Our Minds," which will be released by Empire Records, Summer 2006.

Reviews are pouring in "surprisingly" negative for The Dukes of Hazard, it is currently receiving a 25% approval rating on the "Tomatometer" which is very bad. Some argue however that I should reserve my opinions until after I've seen a film, regardless of how bad reviews are. I would indeed heed this advice, yet I do not, for I fear that after seeing said film I might be driven to commit suicide or sell what little is left of my soul to Crispin Glover to erase the experience from my memory.

Viva Kidnapping!

MEXICO CITY, Mexico (AP) - Mexican's rejoice in the streets of their capital city today as they finally overtake Columbia and Brazil for the winner of the world's annual kidnapping contest. Mexico scored an impressive 194 obductions this year, although Columbia was close behind with 172, and Brazil with 169.

"Taco, burrito, enchilada," said Sanchez, which translates roughly to "Finally, we have won at last." Mexican police, known throughout the earth as the world's most trustworthy, reported they too were shocked by the unsuspected victory. "Viva Gorditas!" said officer Pepe, which in Mexican means "We are already hard at work to insure we win again next year."

Seriously though, that's a bit scary... I really want to do a little bit of traveling through Mexico someday, and it would be a shame if I had to get my head sliced off with someone's dirty box cutter. Surely it can't be as bad as that, but still, I don't exactly scream native when surrounded a bunch of "hombres."

Out of Kontroll

Well... a bit out of control anyway. I'd never been to the Flicks theater in Boise, ID until last Sunday. It's a cool little place, you are actually allowed to buy beer in the concessions stand. I however did not buy beer, but rather a small popcorn from the dark haired girl behind the counter, with eye shadow that exactly matched her soft blue watch band. Thankfully, I didn't have to endure any Nike commercials, or SUV commercials where the SUV is some sort of dog, or bull.

Kontroll is a nice little film, but is an amazing directorial debut from Hungary's Nimród Antal. It seethes with dark comic book style and modern film noir cinematography, but the plot is something different all together. It's a refreshing action story about a bunch of sub-normal ticket police in Budapest's underground metro system. It follows different threads, all interesting in they're own rights, including "suits" which are a type of subway fed's that look and act a lot more important than they really are, a hooded killer on the loose, relentlessly chasing a delinquent that enjoys running from the ticket gestapo, and above all, a look at subterranean life and one mans desire to physically detach himself from society (for reasons unknown). This all seems like it could be lot to cram into an hour and a half without being "too much", but it isn't too much, and everything actually flows quite nicely as the film freely crosses all genre lines. The characters are interesting enough, especially the "love" interest, a cute girl who rides the metro everyday in a giant teddy bear costume and always refuses to buy a ticket. The lead "suit" has an interesting birthmark covering up half of his very angry face, and walks around with two other suits to the left and right of him looking like a very tired agent Smith without any fighting skills, determining if the recent string of suicides are in fact suicides, or are actually murders. Bulcsú, the protagonist, lives in the metro stop, and refuses to surface with the pretty teddy bear girl for even a cup of coffee, instead opting for buying her a cup from a coffee dispensing concession machine. He's alone most of the time, and we can tell he prefers it that way, and he slips further and further into a need for solitude, and lacks all concern for his own life as he participates in a extreme sport of sorts invented out of the workers boredom. "Railing" involves running as fast as you can after the second to last train of the night between metro stops, hoping that you make it to the next one before the last metro turns you into a thick red paste. These games, and these murders, and practically living underground, is driving these ticket policeman crazy, and I always enjoy watching secluded people slip further and further into insanity, especially when I'm not looking in the mirror.

The movie isn't perfect however, and even though I do like how the film at first lets us question if Bulcsú is the actual killer, the look and feel of the murderer can't help but remind me of the Scream movies. Some of the characters seem a little overboard quirky to me, like the one narcoleptic member of the crew...I realize in dark films comic relief is imperative (Coughjar jarcough....excuse me). I like weird funny ha ha, but not silly, and I thought the narcoleptic was unnecessary. The romance with the teddy bear girl isn't overdone, which is nice for a change, and the ending I felt was appropriate and surreal. My favorite parts in the movie though are the ones where Bulcsú wanders alone through the eerie tunnels in the middle of his sleepless nights, sitting on top of their openings, while enormous ventilator fans spin ominously beside him in Budapest's dirty and green tinted underworld. If I was a gummy bear, and I am, I'd give it a 8.5/10.