My Halloween Costume.

Have you seen Ghetto-bot? Shrouded in mystery, sent through time and space, a modern enigma constantly questioning the meaning of existence. Ghetto-bot 5000. A god among machines, the Ghetto-bot 5000 is the most technologically advanced creation ever conceived. I was lucky enough to snag this picture of him sitting in the leaves, no doubt contemplating the uncontemplatable. Elegant, beautiful, perfect.

At the bar, while dancing, I was asked to do the robot. Obviously, I responded, "Everything I do is the robot."

Now in stores!

Wow, I was walking around and saw this on the back of this minivan. Weird. I guess the Julie Andrews thing really took off. Anyway, I got my lawyers on the job, but if you guys see these for sale, make sure to let them know they're breaking copyright law. I will be taking orders for legitimate versions. Send me $200 dollars and I'll send you a bumper sticker. Yes... because then I can afford to print them.

The benefits of methamphetamines.

“Your grandmother ate my dog,” laughed an appallingly thin Peter Jackson from a golden throne high atop a pile of hundred dollar bills. At his feet lapping his hairy toes were 2 coked out models from France. “Besson et sacré bleu,” choked the blonde, trying to hold back her gag reflex. Jackson was half smiling, half cowling at the brunette to his left, whose more private areas were covered by green portraits of Benjamin Franklin. “You! Yes, you with the chocolate hair. You’re next,” said Jackson in his Kiwi accent while raising his left foot to her.

Naked Brain News – Mr. Jackson?

Jackson – Yes? One sec. Josephine. Stop! Paré si vou plei.

NBN – We here at the Naked Brain have been noticing you’ve been losing quite a bit of weight. Some speculate it’s from drug abuse. Do you care to respond.

Jackson – Blimey? Are they saying that? Well, it’s true I’ve been dabbling in a bit harder stuff than usual. Back when I was filming Lord of the Rings… well, you know Ian, a.k.a. Gandalf the grey was quite prone to smoking pipe weed. Wink wink. Well after that I met Naomi Watts, she’s going to be in my King Kong movie, and she got me into to ice. You know, white crunch.

NBN – No, I’m afraid I don’t.

Jackson – Crank? Meth. Crystal meth. White cross. Blue belly. Amp. Ya get me?

NBN – Oh… actually things make a lot more sense now.

Jackson – Yeah… you know that and these French… Umm, “ladies.” Is that the appropriate term for them…(leans over and whispers in my ear). Whores. Prostitutes.

NBN – Yes… I think understand. Well you look rather nice I must say.

Jackson – Why thank you for saying so.

NBN – We did get a complaint from Subway’s Jared Fogle however. He said that you’re cheating the system by getting skinny off of drugs, as opposed to sandwiches.

Jackson – Sandwiches?

NBN - You know, freshly oven baked bread with your choice of healthy toppings. Do you care to respond?

Jackson – I mean. Look. These French girls are licking my feet. Do I really need to respond? No. Literally. Look at them. They’re doing it right now, because I told them to, and because I’m feeding their addictions. I really don’t know this Jared Fogle guy, but if it takes drugs to make foreign models lick my hairy ass feet, then I don’t feel guilty at all. Anyway, it’s been nice talking to you but I need to light up now. Cheerio!

Whoever drew this comic is an idiot.

There was this bullshit opinion comic in our school newspaper yesterday. So this lazy asshole is playing video games all day and the comic is saying it's people like this, who don't vote, that get presidents like Bush re-elected. Hmm-hmm. Great. So, the reason our idiot president gets re-elected is that out idiot citizens are not voting? Why? Listen up. If you are an idiot, please, ignore this comic. Do not by any means voice your very uneducated opinion. If you do not pay attention to the world around you, please, do not start voting. Sit there on your LazyBoy® play your video games, watch your network TV and just fade away. I'm so fed up with people thinking that everyone should vote. Why would anyone want someone whose oblivious to politics and the world voting? Really, you should have to take a test before you vote.

Only read each question once.

Can you not read this line? Don't circle A for Yes, or B for No.

A B

Which party worships Satan?

Republicans Democrats

Which party likes to mercilessly murder babies?

Republicans Democrats

Which party does Jesus belong to?

Republicans Democrats

Which party is always anti-war and peaceful?

Republicans Democrats

Which party drives Volkswagens?

Republicans Democrats

If you circled any of the questions please step into the gas chamber... I mean the "booth" on your left. If you didn't circle any answers step into the booth on your right.

Hi, I'm a Democrat. I'm liberal and like to kill babies and let convicts live.

Hi, I'm a Republican. I like to kill convicts even if they might be innocent and let fetuses live even if they aren't technically a human being yet.

Hi, I'm Julie Andrews. I'm just pro-death and I think we should kill babies and convicts.

There are so many Republicans that vote Republican regardless of the candidate.... what a bunch of idiots!

There are so many Democrats that vote Democrat regardless of the candidate... what a bunch of idiots!

FTSPBR

I had a revelation yesterday. You see, a friend of mine wanted to go to "Blue Monday" at the local bar. So, naturally, I went. Thing is though, I didn't want to spend much money, but wanted to be adequately boozed at the same time. I smell a quandary. So we went to the grocery store, and I purchased a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon for 6 dollars. That's 50 cents a beer. Pretty cheap, eh? I thought so as well. I drank 5 beers before we left to the bar. At the bar a Pabst costs 1 dollar, plus at least a 50 cent tip, that's $1.50 for a beer. You guys with me on the math here? That means for every beer I drank at home, I practically made 1 dollar. I'm quitting school, I found a new job! So tonight, I'm going to buy the 24 pack for 10 dollars. That's 40 cents per beer, which means I'll be making at least $1.60 for each one I drink. If I drink all 24 beers in one day that equals $38.40, subtract the initial investment of 10 dollars for the 12 pack, and that's $28.40. I can almost live off of that! Figure 10 dollars a day for rent, that leaves me $18.40 for food... and if I ever need more money, all I have to do is drink another beer. This is fucking brilliant.

I know this site has limited readership, and it's probably best to keep it that way, especially after this article. I'm worried if too many people start doing this "they" will make this impossible somehow. Really though, you guys are friends, right? So it's kind of my duty to tell you about this. This is seriously the best thing since cold fusion. So, Fuck That Shit, Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Shoestring Posters

So, you might remember earlier when I posted the Hitman one... well here's three more. There's going to be six in all... but I'm not sure if it will exactly be these six, I may scrap them and use different concepts. So what do you guys think? Do you get them? If you saw this in a hallway would you stop and look, and if you did what would you think? Your immediate responses would be very helpful.

T-Shirts?

Naked Brain News would like to thank Roy for taking this idea further than it was ever intended to go and designing T-Shirts. I'd rather like to see Gimli giving Treebeard a BJ on a shirt... but this is certainly second best. Thanks Roy!

Come on down, your the next contestant on...

Enough is enough! Our president has failed us, our government has failed us. The war on terror is obviously never going to end if we continue it in this manner. I have taken it upon myself to finally do something about it.

I’m organizing a special taskforce, headed by the newly appointed Lieutenant, Robert Barker. He will host an intricate new game show designed specifically for Christian Scientist and Intelligent Design enthusiasts. At random Barker will cry “(insert name here), come on down! You’re the next contestant on The Christ is Right!” The lucky contestant will be asked a ridiculously easy question. For example, “On the sixth day, god created what?” The contestant automatically becomes the lucky winner. Their prize is a fabulous vacation for 10 (because they can’t think on their own), to the lovely desert of the Middle East. Their they will enjoy accommodations including C4 high explosive, machine guns, grenades, vests pre-strapped with dynamite, and their very own fleet of 747s filled to the brim with gasoline.

We will fight fire with fire so to speak. Terror with terror. Our fundamentalist idiots versus theirs… And to the victor, divine glory, pearly gates, halos, wings, harps, eternal life, etcetera, etcetera. Really it’s a win-win situation. If we succeed, Islamic fundamentalists will no longer exist. If we fail, Christian fundamentalists will no longer exist. Hurrah for earth, may she live in peace, not pieces.

Colonel "Slut-face" Sanders

Colonel Sanders is a total slut-face. Anyone disagreeing with this statement has unfortunately been struck by a car, or had their brains eaten by aliens from the planet Xebu. I feel for you, because Sanders openly sleeps with four other franchises (Taco Bell, A&W, Pizza Hut, and Long John Silver’s), and at the same time. In this exclusive interview with Pizza Hut and Long “John” Silver we discover how those sleeping with Colonel “Slut-face” Sanders feel.

Naked Brain News – So Mr. Sliver...

Long John Silver – Arrrgh! Just call me Long John.

NBN – Very well. Long John. How do you feel about the Colonel’s promiscuous nature?

Long John Silver – Arrgh! He always says me tastes like fish. But, secretly I know he likes it. I knew getting into this relationship that the Colonel, you know, slept around. I told myself at first it was fine, and it was for fun and whatnot, but one day, while I was having me a bucket o’ popcorn chicken I found a slice of pepperoni. Sniff, and that’s when everything started to change. He wanted me to find it, he’s sick! He gets off thinking that I know where he’s been. I love him so much!!!!

NBN – Well let’s bring out our next guest, Pizza Hut everybody!

Pizza Hut – !@$% you you piece of !@%#, !@#%, @!#%$.

Long John Silver – Get’s your !$#%@ hands off of me slut! Your dirty !#$@ !#%#@. How dare ya! I loved him.

Pizza Hut – He never loved you, you !#$#@ mother!@$#@$.

Long John Silver – Don’t get up all in my face you pizza making mother!$#@%.

Pizza Hut - !#@$ piece o’ hell o bit! Go !@$# yourself. He !@$# has loved me from the start. Everything was fine until you came along !#@%$.

NBN – Wow! Hold it. Hold it, sit down, calm down.

Long John Silver – Arrrgh! !@#$% dumb !@#%.

NBN – Ok, well we have a special surprise guest. Bring em’ on in.

Audience – Colonel! Colonel! Colonel! Colonel! (clapping).

Colonel Sanders – Yeah. !#% yeah, you know it !##%#@. Ladies. Make love not war. I got plenty o’ drum stick to go around.

We had to censor the rest of the interview, but I will say it involved eating a pizza with chunks of breaded halibut, and lots and lots of gravy.

Boondock Donnie/Darko Saints

Look. Here's what I'm saying. Donnie Darko and The Boondock Saints are two mediocre movies that people treat like the second coming. They achieve "cult" status the likes of movies such as A Clockwork Orange, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Brazil, Eraserhead, etc. There is a difference between "cult" films the and "fanboydom" some of us possess for things such as Star Wars, Star Trek, Joss Whedon, etc. The difference is that "cult" films challenge the norms, they aren't overwhelmingly popular, this is because they are too "weird" for most people to handle, yet there is a small group of people who get them, or at least pretend to, and become part of the films "cult" following.

Problem with Boondock Darko/Donnie Saints:

Person - Donnie Darko is my favorite movie of all time.

Me - Really? When did you see it?

Person - Yesterday. I rented it on DVD and watched it last night. Now it is my all time favorite movie.

This happens all the time. Lack of hindsight. Lack of proper film vocabulary, and the memory of a gold fish. Same thing happened with The Matrix. It's like you're in love with Shiny Thing A entirely... Shiny Thing B catches your eye, and BOOM! It's all over. Shiny Thing A becomes a distant memory, Shiny Thing B is all you can think about. Movies, as do all things, take time before we can step out of the cloud of excitement, and look back and decide if it was as amazing as we thought it was, or if it is just pretty good.

Person - Donnie Darko blew my mind man!

Person is obviously high right now and must not of had much of a mind to be blown. Anyway, Donnie Darko is an ok film, I kinda like it, you could think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread, and that's your own (uneducated) opinion. Good for you. The Boondock Saints has a few things ok about it, but it's no where near as sadistic and violent as people think it is. Wow! He shoots a cat. Well Patrick Bateman (American Psycho) kills a homeless person then kills his little dog with his shiny polished designer shoes. Alex de Large (A Clockwork Orange) ties up and beats the shit out of an old man, then rapes his wife in front of him. Point being, "cult" films are "cult" because they aren't universally acceptable. Donnie Darko and The Boondock Saints is spoon fed art, and is very accessible and easily understood, but it can make you feel like it's risky, unique, controversial, etc. Really though, most mainstream Armageddon lovin' movie goers are going to "get it." Realize, this isn't an attack against these movies... I'm pretty indifferent, they're so-so, nothing to get worked up about, my problem is that people worship them, and pretend like it's a secret, when they most definitely are not. I'm going to throw Napoleon Dynamite in there while I'm at it.

Grizzly Man

Timothy Treadwell obviously has some sort of disorder. Perhaps it is emotional, perhaps psychological; perhaps those are both the same things, but it could be physical/genetic too. The man at first seems like a fruity environmentalist-for-the-sake-of-being-a- environmentalist moron, later he seems like he may be partially retarded, and by the end he seems like Ahab, megalomaniacal, and set on his own destruction. Only in Werner Herzog’s Grizzly Man, Treadewell doesn’t hunt the infamous Moby Dick, but rather a white whale that lives inside his very mind, heart, soul, etc.

For those un-privy to the tale, it’s a documentary about this man who retreats to the wilderness of Alaska to live with, and as, a grizzly bear. Fifty percent of him thinks of himself as a bear, and the other half thinks of the bears as humans. His failure to realize the immense differences between bears and humans (duh!?) leads to his, and his girlfriends, untimely deaths. The movie has moments of intense beauty, exploring the most private and personal aspects of Treadwell’s life, including many instances when Treadwell himself mentions the possibility of him being eaten by a bear, instances when he’s quiet, and instances when he’s repeatedly flipping off the camera yelling “fuck” about fifteen times. There was hundreds of hours of footage Treadwell personally shot, but this documentary uses the perfect two hours of it to show us what he looks like inside, and I don't mean his scattered intestines.

The movie really is great, and Herzog does a nice job of showing us what we need to see to understand this man, and not showing us what we don’t. Perhaps too, as we start to see the fallacy and passion of Timothy Treadwell we understand ourselves a slight bit more. My sole complaint is the narration, which seems a bit of a slap in the face. It’s narrated by Herzog himself, but instead of letting us recognize for ourselves the films beauty, he blatantly and repeatedly points it out by telling us what’s beautiful. In example, at one point Herzog says “some of the most beautiful moments Treadwell captures are while he’s off frame” and then a gust of wind plays with the swaying weeds. Yes Werner, I agree that it is beautiful, metaphorical, etc., but don’t tell me you pompous asshole, you are not the only person in the world that recognizes beauty. This isn’t a film that most people are going to go see, most people are too busy watching romantic comedies or Darko Saints/Boondock Donnie, you need to realize that the types of people that watch your strange movies probably fancy themselves a tad more phisticated, if not so. Otherwise Werner, you were spot on, jolly good show.

Cowboys and Indians.

Gorram! Serenity is awesome. It way surpassed my expectations. In the last 5 years we’ve had so few Sci-fi’s that feel “real.” The only one that comes to mind is Soderbergh’s Solaris. Not that these two films are similar in other ways, but Serenity feels just as “real.” This movie is a western, that happens to be set in space, but it’s so much more. Whedon’s dialogue here is on-par with Mamett and Tarintino. This has been said before, but really it’s true. Whedon’s dialogue makes you laugh, smile, and cry at the same time. It’s ridiculous, I don’t know how he does it. The audience’s emotions are in total control here, we gasp, laugh, and are silenced at the exact same time, yet it feels spontaneous and as if it was written personally for each of us.

I’m not gonna go into describing the plot, but I will say that it dodges some clichés left and right, yet embraces others so lovingly that you can’t help but smile. The villains are authentically scary, the shocks are never gratuitous, and the characters are instantly understood but simultaneously deep. You're not going to walk out of this a better person or reach any epiphanies, but this is the most fun theater experience I’ve had since Kill Bill Vol. 1. Go see Serenity now.